this is just my journal, I guess

I feel like trash today! It’s April 18, 2020, and so much of my hospital inpatient/outpatient happened right around this time 3 years ago. It’s really tough to think about.

I feel so much love for the people I met in both inpatient and outpatient. They were so lovely, supportive, and were such good listeners.

But what really sticks out is how much trauma I have from BMC. I don’t feel like I can ever really love my college or my college experience, because I was physically removed from the college by the administration during a time when I needed support.

I don’t have any polished thoughts or ideas about this, but I think this is something I will always carry with me. It sucks and it hurts.

This is what we wrote together at our meeting tonight. I (Julian) will be submitting this draft to Dean Walters on Monday 4/30/18.

First and foremost, we affirm that we as severely mentally ill students are members of this community. We belong at Bryn Mawr College. Being made to leave the community due to illness severely affects the student’s wellbeing, self esteem, and identity. Furthermore, home isn’t always a safe place or a good place for recovery. Leaving school mid-semester, especially when the student is not leaving voluntarily, is disruptive and can cause harm to the student. Considering all these factors, we believe that a student should never have to leave the community unless it is absolutely necessary. We affirm that students have the right to participate in academic and residential life unless they pose an imminent risk to the safety of themselves or others. We ask that the decision that a student is unable to live in the community be made in conversation with the student and their chosen medical provider, and that these decisions be made with clarity and transparency. It should always be clear who is making these decisions, and what they are based on. We ask that an appeals process be created for students who disagree with the decision.

Understanding that students know what they want and need, we affirm that students have the right to advocate for themselves. Furthermore, students have the right to advocate for themselves without the involvement of their parents/guardians. Understanding that the Health Center representative and the Dean’s Office both represent the legal interests of Bryn Mawr College, students have the right to seek out and work with a medical or legal professional who will advocate for them and their needs.

We ask that when these decisions are made, they be made with the understanding that a student’s situation can change over time. We ask that the college be open to receiving progress updates. We ask that the college allow students to return earlier than initially planned if they feel they are ready.

Students have the right to hear about the decision about their return from medical leave in a timely manner. We ask that the college be transparent about when applications are due, when committees will meet, and when decisions will be made. When returning from leave, we ask that the college prioritize the agency and autonomy of the student in making decisions about returning.

Here is what I’ve pieced together from our conversation last night about medical leave and what changes we would like to see about the way students are treated. This is still in the works and I invite comments down below or via this form about what changes people would like to see!

First and foremost, we affirm that we as severely mentally ill students are members of this community. We belong at Bryn Mawr College. Being made to leave the community due to illness severely affects the student’s wellbeing, self esteem, and identity. Furthermore, home isn’t always a safe place or a good place for recovery. Leaving school mid-semester, especially when the student is not leaving voluntarily, is disruptive and can cause harm to the student. Considering all these factors, we affirm that students have the right to participate in academic and residential life unless they pose an imminent risk to the safety of themselves or others.

Understanding that students know what they want and need, students have the right to advocate for themselves. Furthermore, students have the right to advocate for themselves without their parents’ involvement.

Understanding that Dr. Bazelon represents the legal interests of Bryn Mawr College, students have the right to seek out and work with a medical or legal professional who will advocate for them and their needs.

Students have the right to hear about medical leave decisions in a timely manner.

I’m thrilled to announce that my cat Max is approved to be my emotional support animal for next year! We will be living on Rock 3rd!!

[Image description:

A small embroidery piece depicting a black and white cat (Max!) on a white background with blue vines. Purple text surrounds Max that says “an emotional support animal lives here” and his name “Max” is on the lower right side in pink.

End description]

[Image description:

An event flyer that says:

LET’S TALK: MEDICAL LEAVE – PART TWO

DRAFTING A MEDICAL LEAVE BILL OF RIGHTS

GOALS

• Affirm our place as disabled students at the college – WE BELONG HERE
• Improve communication and transparency between students and the Dean’s Office
• RESIST the systematic mistreatment of mentally ill students at this college

SUNDAY APRIL 22

7-8PM

COLLEGE HALL 104

?? JLEDGER@BMC

End description]

[Reposted from my Facebook]

This is an appreciation post for all my neurodivergent and disabled friends in college: We are BADASS and STRONG and I’m so proud of us. We’re making space for ourselves at an institution that’s hard and even hostile at times, and we’re all doing our best, and our best is MORE than enough.

❤💛💙💜💚

About a year ago, I checked myself into Bryn Mawr Hospital because I was experiencing severe manic symptoms as part of my bipolar disorder. When I got out of the hospital, the Dean’s Office together with Dr. Bazelon (a psychiatrist affiliated with the college) decided that I would not be allowed to live on campus for the rest of the semester, even though I was very vocal about wanting to return to school. The college did not respect my basic wants and needs at a time when I was very vulnerable and needed their support more than ever. While all this was happening, it was unclear who was actually making these decisions about whether I could stay at college, what they were based on, and what I needed to do or say to be able to stay in school. How was I supposed to advocate for myself when I didn’t even know what was happening?

I know now that these decisions are made between Dr. Bazelon and the Dean’s Office. The Dean’s Office ultimately gets to decide whether a student will be placed on medical leave or not, however, they always follow Dr. Bazelon’s medical recommendation. The fact that it is ultimately the Dean’s decision takes responsibility off of Dr. Bazelon, as she does not have to take credit for her key role.

Supposedly these decisions are based on whether the student is a danger to themselves or others. But that’s bullshit. Any student that is being discharged from the hospital is no longer a danger to themself, or else the hospital staff would not discharge them. Based on a disability rights perspective, the college is breaking the law by forcing students off campus. Disabled students have a legal right to campus housing unless the college can show that they are a danger to themselves or others– which, as I stated earlier, any student being discharged from the hospital is not.

It’s not just an issue of disability rights, though that is an important lens through which to view it. It’s also an emotional issue. It hurts like hell to be told that you can’t come back to campus. You’re essentially being told that your illness doesn’t belong at college. You’re being told that some levels of illness are okay, but you’re too sick, or too crazy, or the wrong kind of crazy. Bryn Mawr can say they support diversity but when it comes down to it, they are hostile towards disabled students.

Hi all,

Thank you for coming tonight! I am so grateful that you all care about this issue and want to create change on campus.

Some key points:

• Fire Dr. Bazelon!! She is sketchy, violates HIPAA, and doesn’t take responsibility for her key role in the college’s decision on whether a student gets to stay or gets forced out. An example of her violating HIPAA: http://www.slate.com/articles/life/family/2007/04/loner_or_psychopath.html
• Avenues for creating institutional memory so that when we graduate, our experiences are remembered. Ways to do this: a documentary! Twitter! Julian’s blog! The Access Services Institutional Memory Form!
• Creating a Bill of Rights. I will send out an email/create an event page/put up flyers/submit to the Daily Digest about this in the next week or two to set up a meeting. We will draft a Bill of Rights, including (for example) students have the right to privacy under HIPAA. We will submit the Bill of Rights to the Dean’s Office so that it will be published in the Student Handbook alongside medical leave policies, as well as publishing it online.

I am so grateful for all your thoughts, ideas, and help. I hope to see you at our next meeting.

Best,

Julian

An event I’m holding this weekend– because students with severe mental illness deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. We deserve to have our wants and needs listened to and respected. We deserve to be treated like adults who have full autonomy and agency. We belong in this institution and we should never be made to leave if we don’t want to.

[Image Description:

An event flyer that says:

?? JLEDGER@BMC

LET’S TALK: MEDICAL LEAVE

WHY ARE STUDENTS MADE TO LEAVE AFTER PSYCHIATRIC EMERGENCIES? HOW CAN WE PUSH FOR CHANGE TO SCHOOL POLICIES TO RETURN AGENCY AND CHOICE TO STUDENTS?

FRIDAY APRIL 13

7-8PM

NEW DORM 2ND COMMON ROOM

End description]

When they’re being nice, they call me
in crisis, confused, sick.
When they’re being honest, they call me
out of control, delusional, crazy.
Maybe I’m projecting.
But I think I heard them say
psycho, dangerous.
What do I call myself?
Marginalized.

I am sick.
But why does that mean I don’t belong?
Why can’t I be manic and still be a Mawrtyr?

Bryn Mawr celebrates the students that stay up all night studying,
but fears the ones who stay up because they can’t quiet the voices in their mind.
Why?

Why is there no room for me?

I left in the spring.
It happened so fast.
I didn’t want to.
But I couldn’t stay. Their choice, not mine.

Sometimes I wonder: If I didn’t have psychotic symptoms,
would they have let me stay?
Is that why they treated me like a child?
Is that why they took away any autonomy and agency I had left?

I came back in the fall.
Tell me: Why did I have to submit three doctor’s notes to come back?

What could they even have said?
We gave him meds. He’s still a little depressed,
but he knows where he is and where he’s going.
He’ll be nice, and quiet,
go to school when he’s supposed to, and sleep when he’s supposed to.
We’ll keep an eye on him, don’t worry.

In those notes, they don’t mention that I deserve to be at this elitist fucking college even if
I’m unhinged.

They won’t tell you, so I will.
I belong here, with my illness, my delusions,
my messiness, my crazy talk, my confusions.
All of me belongs here.
All of me. And no one can tell me otherwise.